Goodbye

Today I found out that a member of my extended family committed suicide yesterday. He wasn't blood relative (married in) nor was he a very well liked member, in fact most of us couldn't stand him, but he was a part of our lives for many years and for that reason made me rather sad today. And even though my aunt had divorced him a few months back I still feel for the man who had let his life slide into such a horrible place that he saw death as the only solution.

This man had problems all his life in terms of social acceptance and drinking and then later on in life had medical troubles where drug dependence got involved and ultimately a life of sloveliness and self-pity occured. He stopped working, stopped helping out the family, stopped caring about how he appeared to others and how he interacted. This in turn caused others who might have previouslly liked him to turn in the other direction.

I remember as a child I would live with my grandparents over the summer and he would come up with my aunt and every wkend morning, Tom and I would take the boat out and go buy donuts at one of the harbors. As more grandkids started coming into the family he continued this. He was always a willing boat driver when us kids wanted to go tubing or skiing, even though I never actually went when he was driving cause he enjoyed throwing ppl off far too much! I guess the point I'm trying to get across is that at one point he and I did have a relationship and we did enjoy each others company. As I grew up though I started spending more time with friends and less time with family and then his troubles got worse and I found myself avoiding him. Not going to the lake house if I knew he was going to be there or sneaking in the back door! I'm not proud of this but I didn't like the person he had become. And now for the past 8 years or so he hasn't even been on my radar. highschool, college, life. I was happy when I heard they were getting a divorce, I was happy my aunt would finally be free of this baggage.

But it's sad, to spend a life where you aren't happy and where you don't do anything to change what you are not happy with. At some point he was a person. One who deserves our compassion and respect. My father said something along the lines of why is my aunt (his sister) so broken up about it, he can be a little crass at times, but to me it makes perfect sense. She's not grievign for the person who became a burden on her life but the man she fell in love with. The man who gave her two healthy sons and the man she thought she wanted to build a life with.

I don't like the idea of suicide, and I think that's mainly becuase I can't grasp how I feel about it. At times I think it's cowardly and selfish, at others I think if that's really how they felt at least I hope they're better in whatever comes next. All I know is I feel for the people who reach such a dark point in their lives where that is the only option they see. And for now I will remember the fun uncle who would do anything for me when I was a kid. Everyone has some good. Kind thoughts to my aunt and cousins :)

*Rest in Peace Tom*