A day in the life of

ME! or at least 36 hours or so. In bulleted form:

• Saturday night while having a few drinks B and I thought that instead of braving the cold and snow to hit up a bar we would fire up my little fireplace. I've been putting off trying it out because I was very afraid of smoking up the apartment and I thought with a guy around that if something were to happen I'd have a little more help than just me and Chloe. So we went for it and it worked!!! Ended up having a fantastic fire and hanging out!!! And nothing burned down!
• On sunday B and I decided to check out the Musuem of Science and Industry. I've heard really great reviews about it and have wanted to go there for awhile but it's a good size trek out to where it is. So of course we chose to go on a day where the temps were below freezing with the wind, but hey! We like a challenge. While there we also took in an OmniMax, The Wild Ocean. It had been awhile since I had been to an Imax or anything so I was very excited. It was pretty good except for the fact of being rather unclear in the message it wanted to send. It kept switching from telling a story about sardines and their paths to talking about an area in Africa called the Wild Coast to trying to promote the environment and how to be greener. So needless to say, cool to watch but I sort of feel like whoever put it together was on acid.
• After the MOSI we went out for drinks because we love our drinks! Haha ended up choosing a random spot in the Loop and proceeded to get DRUNK! You know that feeling when you're sitting for awhile and drinking, eating, talking so you're not really thinking about how much booze you're consuming and then when you head home you are waaayyy more drunk than you ever thought?? Yea well that happened to me last night! haha After making it home (didn't feel the cold at all!) I had just gotten in the front door and my downstairs neighbour told me that pipes had burst in the basement and could I bring the technician guy down there because she was having trouble locating her keys. Now let me tell you. I had never seen what happens when a pipe bursts, obviously it's pretty easy to imagine, but the basement was a complete puddle!!! And my poor bike that was in our storage locker had had water sprayed on it and they were all little ice drops!!! So sad. But I digress. After wading my way through 3 or 4 inches of water the man told me that we had 5 pipes that had burst! yes 5. We have no idea why or but assume that someone accidently left the door open.
• Finally in my tipsy/drunken state I made Chloe come with me to let the guys across the hall from us know why they didn't have water and we finally met our neighbours!!! We have lived in this apt for close to 6 months now and still had yet to say hello to them. Whats even weirder is that we have only seen one of the guys in passing and he is incredibly awkward and then another guy came to the door who I have NEVER seen before, and we didn't see the other guy who I've seen like twice. So now we are officially confused who lives there. But we did find out that the incredibly awkward guy is Bulgarian which was one of his reasons for being weird I guess. Random!
• Needless to say it was a very interesting weekend, interesting and awesome! But now I have to figure out where to shower!!! haven't since sat. yea my hair looks awesome. And do a million things before I leave on wed, but of course I also am working long hours to make up for taking vacation off between xmas and new years. So gonna be a busy next couple of days. Totally worth it though!
• Lastly, I am finally in the Christmas spririt! Lets bring it on baby!

I think I like writing...

I started this blog for a number of reasons, most that I don't even care to state because they are complicated and numerous and it would be too frustrating to put down into words. But I also began it because I find myself wanting to write when I feel like I have too many emotions or feelings in me and have an urgent need to get them out. There are a number of ways I have found to do this but as I have stopped swimming and can tend to get sick of crying I thought maybe by routinely expressing my feelings I could keep it from being such a build up to a huge explosion. And on the plus side of that I could potentially better my writing skills and become more comfortable with sharing my writing with others. 

I have taken a week or so off because I ran out of things to say and I also stopped just writing without thinking so I started thinking what people might think of what I am saying. And I dislike wondering because I am quick to assume the worst. This is both in a storytelling sort of way and a grammatical way. I make up words and I like it! But practice makes perfect and the fact is, this is my blog so if someone doesn't like it or doesn't like what I write then they will hopefully not be back and I can just delete all negativeness! I think!!! just to make that the most prominent word in this paragraph. 

Ironically enough as well I talked to my grandmother today about what she would like for christmas. We are both alike in that if we want something we buy it so I knew I could go out and get her a scarf or something and it would be fine, but it wouldn't really mean much to either of us. So I thought why not ask her. And what she said would be nice would be something I had written. Well lo and behold!!! Yes I have just started a blog, I can print those off and show them to you* and I can write something slightly personal to you as well. I am not being that lazy in her present! (Mom and Tomasen do not show her! I know you are having fun in NYC starting tomorrow but don't!) haha. 

So to pull all this rambling together after talking to her I got motivated to write a couple posts as well as I had just decided that I needed to stop worrying what people think about my writing. I'm not perfect, I don't write perfect, and I will get better. I may just have to suck at first to get there! 

*I say print them off because there is no way she would get online and read my blog there! haha

Thursday Night Revelations

On Thursday night the roomie and I went to The Funky Buddha. It was a unique and HUGE place with fun decorations and colors all over the place. The night was supposed to be a show of live performance art so there were a couple different rap/hip hop groups who were performing, an artist painting live, and something I didn't know about at the beginning...a breakdancing group! 

Growing up in Nh and attending an engineering school in Mass meant that I have never before seen breakdancing live. Of course I've watched movies with it and music videos, but after watching it last night I realized that I legitimately had never seen it live. Needless to say it was so fun to watch these guys. The moves and speed with which the dance is done blows me away. I always find when I work out that my problem is that my body physi

cally can't move at an extremely accelerated pace. I attend this one class where the instructor makes us do exercises in double time and it is impossible for me to keep up! Then you add in weights....it's not a pretty sight. It's so exhausting to me and I know that if I tried and worked up to it I would probably be able to do it, but I just don't think its me. Haha I truly think my body make up does not allow for rapid quick movements. 

Watching these guys dance made me wonder where breakdancing came from and how the heck people learn how to do this without hurting themselves. I mean they spin on their heads!!! So now the history is; James Brown created a dance called the Good Foot which consisted of a lot of fancy and quick footwork. It was popular amon

g young athletic men and slowly morphed into B-Boy dancing and than break dancing. Presently it is called old-school break dancing because it does not contain any of the crazy moves like head or back spins, windmills, hand glides, etc. After this dancing became popular it was commonly used by gangs in new york city where they would have dance-offs instead of fighting. Kind of cool that a dance would be able to replace what is needless fighting in my eyes. Of course these dance-offs did not always stop fights and in turn could lead to an even more intense battle between the groups. But you can't win em all.

Old-school breaking was popular until the Freak took over. It then made a comeback a few years after that, but with a more acrobatic and unique twist. This meant that included into the fancy footwork that breaking was so well known for were flips and twists and the use of the whole body. This became what most people picture when you think of breakdancing. 

I've always loved to watch people dance. All different types have their own characteristics and qualities that make them different and special. When a person is a really good dancer they have a fluidity and grace that makes me very jealous of their abilities. And even in something as jerky as breakdancing they make it look so effortless. 

So I'm now on a mission to find out where more breakdancing groups perform and the roomie and I are going!!! So excited!

Not a fan...

Watching tv tonight there was this commercial where there are two turtles sitting in a movie theater and there is a guy sitting right next to one of them who is getting annoyed because this turtle is just chatting away about the previews. 

Now I could not tell you what the hell this commercial was about because I just started cracking up. Roomie was looking at me like I was crazy, but it was so ridiculous to me that we have gotten so desperate in our commercials that we need to have talking turtles to convince the public to buy our products.

Like seriously, when people see that if they don't start dying laughing what are they thinking? Oh my god, I've always wanted a pet talking turtle. maybe if I get this (I really have no inkling of what they were selling) than a fun cool turtle will amble into my life and I'll have my lifelong friend. FINALLY! I mean commercials piss me off but I tolerate them because I understand that they are a big part of the tv industry I get sad when I think about how we have degraded to such a low level of talking animals to entice people to buy things. It's an insult to us, in my eyes.

 

And now after that, I need to convince myself to splurge for Tivo or DVR and relieve myself of having to view ANY commercials. Yet, that will not happen...tough life I live. 

Trials of Christmas

I always find Christmas shopping very hard. I can never think of the right present and then there are so many people I want to get presents. Because I love giving presents, I get such a great feeling when I give someone something that I know they are really going to like. But on the flip side I absolutely hate getting gifts that are useless and are just being bought becuase it's christmas or their birthday or some other reason.

To get around this fact I try to look for presents whenever I'm out shopping or in an interesting city, town, place so that I can keep those and have them for when the holidays come. And then everyone wins becuase I'm not the horrid bitch who isn't giving presents and I'm giving something that I am sure the recipient will enjoy. This year I didn't have anything like this because as much as that is my goal, I am actually very bad at thinking of christmas when it's july out. lol And the one gift I had this year was for someone who I am not giving a present anymore.

Regardless I have finally started looking into gifts and other than things for the kids in my family always find things I want and not gifts for others. So I spent all day yesterday shopping and I probably bought myself more things than I did others. AND I sent it to my home home because I don't want to have to pack it in my luggage when I fly home. So overall I have failed in the christmas shopping area and I still have loads to do. At least I can't mess up my girlfriends gifts as they are semi homemade. And thats all I"m saying.

yes I just wrote a post about buying myself things and not others, I am bad and it wasn't very interesting to read i'm sure, but it's all I got right now.

On other notes, insurance companies suck! Other than Geico who seem to be pretty good.

Happy Friday, 50 minutes left of work!

Simple Things I Heart about Chicago

My apt is on the corner of two quiet streets and every morning when I leave for work I walk out onto a gorgeous tree lined pleasant sidewalk. Whether it is good weather and the trees are in bloom or winter when snow is blanketing everything from the trees, cars, buildings, and sidewalks* I walk down the block towards the El and feel peaceful. Very rarely are there many more than 5 other people on my street at a time and mostly they are walking their dogs. So all in all it's a very homey comforting feeling.

But then I walk the one block down and around the corner is the city! Armitage street always has tons of things going on, buses and cars and numerous people walking to the El. You are instantly filled with the urgency and energy that cities have. "I must be going somewhere," "have to pay attention there are people all over the sidewalk." And recently, "don't walk to close to the edge of the sidewalk or the cars might splash puddles on you!" Lol.

I love the contradiction that exists within one block of my apt. Feels like I get the best of both worlds. And even though I was woken up last night by sirens screaming down my street that very rarely happens and I sleep soundly through the night. Love the city!

*For having snow most of the winter and being used to ice and rain Chicago does not take care of it's sidewalks very well. I have almost slipped and fallen numerous times and we've only been dealing with it for ~ two weeks!

Have you Ever?

I stole this from a new blog that I've just found From Sparkly to Single and got excited about it. The meme things I've seen don't always catch my eyes, but I'm excited about this one. So here goes.

Have you ever…

1. gone on a blind date? I have not. Not a lot of dating has occured in my life just one serious relationship.

2. skipped school? My highschool was private and if you were on the Head's List (similar to dean's list) you were not required to go to all your classes. So I would routinely skip probably one every other day. In college, of course but I was then left with a huge guilt trip because most of my classes in college were fairly difficult.

3. watched someone die? No. And I hope it stays that way.

4. been on a plane? Oh yes. I love love love traveling and am willing to go anywhere anytime. In fact I have never been on more planes in one year than I have this past 6 months and I'm not seeing that end.

5. been on the opposite side of your country? The farthest west I have been is New Mexico which is pretty far so we're gonna go with a yes.

6. swam in the ocean? For sure, but I much prefer freshwater. Unless of course I'm in the mood for body surfing. But truthfully I can't touch the bottom of the ocean becuase it freaks me out so much what could be down there.

7. had your booze taken away by the cops? I was walking home one night with a red solo cup and a cop stopped me, asked my age (I wasn't 21 yet), and made me pour the cup out. I then started bawling and sayign that my apt was right there (it was like 2 houses down) and he should just let me go home. Gotta say he def got more than he bargained for and was horrified once I started crying!

Side note: I had been having a very bad night and was just heading home to go to bed and forget it all. 

8. lettered in high school sport? Field Hockey baby! I actually hate running but my highschool didn't have a swim team and I was forced to play a sport.

9. cried yourself to sleep? Numerous times, crying for me is a release.

10. played cops and robbers? On bikes! But come to think of it I don't really remember the robbers being caught so I think we just chased each other around. We def called it cops and robbers though.

11. sung karaoke? Not ever at a karaoke club, that is a goal of mine but def other times, couldn't list them now for some reason.

12. paid for a meal with coins only? Ummm can't say I have. Coffees, bagels, things like that that cost under $5.

13. done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Ummm I feel like everything I've done in life has been something I wouldn't think I would do. Go backpacking and dogsledding junior year of highschool, going to an engineering college, moving to Chicago and leaving my friends.

14. cheated on an exam? Yes but I wouldn't consider it cheating as it was always just working with the person next to me. I only ever needed to get help on math and engineering tests where you are just bouncing ideas off one another. So in my mind it's not cheating but I guess technically it is.

15. made prank phone calls? Nope, never understood those.

16. laughed until some sort of beverage came out of your nose? Never had the nose situation, but I've definetely laughed so hard I had to spit out whatever was in my mouth.

17. caught a snowflake on your tongue? One of the best things about snowstorms!

18. watched the sunrise with someone you care about? Oh yes, but to be truthful it was always when I had not gone to bed yet. Mornings are not my friend.

19. been kissed under the misteltoe? Nope. I have never actually had anything to do with mistletoe.

20. ever been arrested? No, and knock on wood, cross my fingers, I never will.

21. gone ice skating? Yes, but not in a very long time.

22. been skinny dipping outdoors? Is that more risky than indoors?? And yes I have.

23. had a nickname? I definetly have had my number but I've never been a huge fan of them. Off of Hallie you get Hal, Hal-bop, i'm out.

24. been on TV? I do not believe so, unless for a silly school function or something like that.

Hope you enjoyed, I certainly had fun doing it and it killed a good chunk of time at work.

Jemima J

I just finished reading a book called Jemima J and it's described as "a novel about ugly ducklings and swans."

The book starts out with a big woman who works at a semi dead end job and is in love with a gorgeous colleague (Ben). Typical fashion she has had few to none amorous excursions, has very little self esteem, and absolutely no social life. Also in her office is another gorgeous female colleague (G) who likes to find rich men and date them becuase of the things she gets, but she is essentially a nice person as long as you can deal with the self obsessiveness that these types of people have. A couple chapters into the book after you have gathered the depths of this woman's sadness she starts to befriend G and Ben and they actually form solid friendships. During this time Jemima has also discovered the internet and online dating and has been chatting with a man (B) from LA, she's in London. Then, Ben ends up getting a better job and leaving the office. Around this same time Jemima has realized that she's sent a model like picture to B and she is no way lives up to that. So she joins a gym and over a number of months stops eating and works out 3 hours a day. Thus she becomes a 120 pound woman on a 5' 7" frame. Tiny! I mean I get excited when I hit 120 on my 5' 3" frame, which come to think of it I don't think I ever have because as a swimmer I have these lovely man muscles that weigh stuff! lol

After remaking herself she flys out to LA to see B and decides she falls in love. She takes off 3 months of work and blah blah blah she's this gorgeous thin girl who's in love with this fabulous LA hunk who's rich and gives her everything she wants and yet she's not happy. She also hasn't talked to Ben since he left her office and she realizes she misses him. Ben is also realizing he is missing Jemima but he has become a famous reporter and therefore has all these woman throwing themselves at him so it doesnt matter. THen he gets an interview in LA. At the same time Jemima has realized something huge about B and learns why she wasn't happy. Par for the course Ben and Jemima find each other in LA after loads of JUST missing each other and have one wonderful night before Ben has to fly back to LA. ANyway you can probably assume how the book ends because it is the epitomy of the feel good, romance, life is never greener on the other side, love yourself no matter what lessons.

Beyond being horrible in the story itself because of the total predictability the point of view switches from Jemima to Ben to third person, to narrator and back sometimes by paragraphs, sometimes by lines, sometimes by chapters.

I enjoy a good typical book. I also love romance and everyone ending up happy. But the fact is we all know that what your body looks like doesn't make you happy and that having everything isn't needed to be happy. I understand that sometimes you need a reminder but this book just seemed like a waste and made me angry because of what this girl went through to learn this. Definetly go to the gym if you don't like your body, but don't starve yourself and make yourself unhappy to achieve a good body. Do what makes you feel good. Go after the gorgeous guys but make sure you are going after someone you really like, unless you're looking for something else.

I understand this is easier to say than do. Trust me I'm still trying to figure it all out as well. And I go to the gym to find the better body!! But let go and enjoy life! Cause it's too short to be unhappy.

The one thing this book did give me and I liked was Jemima said at the end that even though it was an interesting route she was excited she made the decision to change becuase if you don't then you won't. And that might be the real truth of the book. We've all heard that quote about if you don't decide to change your destination, then you will end up in the path that you're already going. Or something like that....

Chilly Day in Chicago

It is very cold out today. COLD COLD COLD! I dislike the cold, seriously. I am like a cat where I curl up in the sun and can read and hang out there all day. I love the feeling that comes from a day in the sun and strive to achieve that every day. Unfortunately here in Chicago the sun does not shine that often in these bleak winter months. And to top that all off I am inside my office all day every day, in a middle room with no windows. Suffice it to say I am having huge nature withdrawals this year. But that's not what this post is about.

It's chilly here and yet for some reason I have never taken it upon myself to consider living in a warmer climate. And I've had some options. For college I could have gone somewhere, but no I decided to go two states away to Mass where the weather is not quite as cold, but really still the same. And then with my internship I had the possibility of going somewhere like California. Did I take it? Of course not because there is something in me that even though I hate the cold and would do anything to get out of it I still crave it.

Walking home from work and to the gym last night it was snowing and it was so fun to walk through the city having the flakes catch on my jacket. I felt like skipping and twirling around. Or throwing a snowball at someone. Of course all three of these things were foiled as I probably would have slipped and fallen if I had tried skipping, the twirling would have looked ridiculous, and I'm sure whatever unsuspecting stranger I chucked the snowball at would have something to say to me that would not be along the nice lines. So... none of that happenned and I made my way quite happily to my gym.

Now why do I crave the cold and snow?? I truly have no idea because I am one of those people who should have that crazy sun lamp thing sitting on her desk to help keep up her mood. I think it's because as amazing and wonderful as the summer is (anywhere!) the cold allows me to respect that beautiful time and relish it. And of course I love spring and fall with their growth and beauty. So I shall continue to enjoy these gray months of winter and hope that the weekends can provide me with the required sunlight.

Or maybe I'll consider moving to Cali come the end of this year....

Moon Boots

Chicago had it's first bountiful snowstorm yesterday and I needed something to wear to work that would keep me warm. Obviously. Back in the summer I had been visiting the fam and my mom & sister had bought these boots known as "moon boots." They were hideous and chunky and made their feet look HUGE! Now I know I'm weird here...but I have a weird obsession with how big feet look when in shoes. I don't know what it is and I've only ever met one other person who cared about this as well (and I know she doesn't care which is why I'm telling you all)! 

Anyway these boots were just exactly what astronauts wear in movies. And then my sister's were this glittery, shiny, bright blue with other bright colors over it. BAD! And then mom's were better, but still not great. So sometime after this we were driving by where they had previously boughten the boots so me as always wanted to stop and see what the place had, Thanks Dad! And then just because I am that person I saw this pair of moon boots that were perfect for me! Yes, they were black and laced up the back with this speckly gray. They were ridiculous of course because of their size, but they had this classicness (sp?) to them that I find myself always trying to achieve. So we bought them. And I know have a wonderful pair of moon boots. 

The point, trying to stay out of the snow yesterday I thought of them and went for it. I pulled them out of the winter closet and pulled them over my work pants, stuffing the end of the pants in. And off I went slightly uneasy as they did certainly look big and ungainly and they were squishy on the bottom so when you walk you sort of feel like you are walking on a bog or similar. A water bed consistency was what came to me first. There's that water for you... To work and back they brought me and I finished the day with completely dry and warm feet and was happy with my moon boots. So to test myself I decided I need to wear them again. If I wasn't comfortable wearing them when they were slightly unneeded I would not be able to do it. 

And I ROCKED them! I mean I went to my friends afters work so had to sport the boots all out to the burbs and back. I loved them! Loved the walking, loved the warmth, loved the no sweating in big puffy boots! Therefore, I have concluded that moon boots are the way to go. 

Now I know you're probably thinking this girl is a nut. And I am, but I do this with every new big article of clothing. If I don't feel it then I won't wear it.

To trust? Or not to believe?

Do you remember the times where you felt all alone and like the only thing you have to grab onto is your own sanity? And you tell yourself over and over that what you have is enough? 

And then all of a sudden you find this group, this number of people who step up and somehow make all that nonsense sound right? Or if at least not right, something to bear. They were your friends, your support group, your family, your life. They are the ones who make you real. Who let you be sane, who you need to be you. Amazing...if it's words to describe.

After that I believe you need to find urself again, allow the you to prove itself again. And only then can you truly be balanced. At least this is where I think I need to be right now, I could be completely wrong. 

Happy Belated Thanksgiving & Raw Food Contemplations

My wonderful parents were great enough to buy me a spur of the moment ticket home for Thanksgiving so I have been enjoying a delightful few days basking in home love. It came at a good time and has def helped in healing. 

My mother has recently started eating raw and my sister has started tagging along on that journey. This meant that we had two types of thanksgiving dinner. One cooked by my 13 year old brother (traditional turkey, potatoes, stuffing) and than a "raw" meal that consisted of broccoli salad, raw mashed potatoes, raw stuffing and I think that's it. It was very interesting to be able to taste the differences between what we deem as normal food and these dishes made out of all nuts and sprouted grains. I believe that I would very much like to be able to eat the way my mother does because it is more along the lines of how I eat. 

I prefer to eat lots of small snacks throughout the day and not too much at once. I also, and prepare yourself here, ABHORE condiments. Yes that means mayo, ketchup, dressing, most dips and pretty much any other condiment that exists. I do understand this is odd but I hate them. Which I believe is why this raw thing speaks to me so much, it does not use any of those creepy consistency condiments. Unfortunately for me, eating raw if far too expensive and rather time consuming as well as hard to prepare for just yourself. But it is something that I am going to look into and try out. Because lots of what I ate this weekend was amazingly good! And truth be told, other than bread and cheese I don't particularly need other cooked food. Though please don't hold me to that because I can be fickle! lol. Until then I will enjoy a moderate balance and continue to figure out this whole crazy process that is food in our world. 

Until then, hope everyone had a grand Thanksgiving and break and that tomorrow is just as wonderful. 

Who am I?

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz ...

You Are an Ingrid!
You are an Ingrid -- "I am unique"

Ingrids have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me
* Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
* Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
* Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
* Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
* Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being an Ingrid
* my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
* my ability to establish warm connections with people
* admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
* my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
* being unique and being seen as unique by others
* having aesthetic sensibilities
* being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being an Ingrid
* experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
* feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
* feeling guilty when I disappoint people
* feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
* expecting too much from myself and life
* fearing being abandoned
* obsessing over resentments
* longing for what I don't have

Ingrids as Children Often
* have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
* are very sensitive
* feel that they don't fit in
* believe they are missing something that other people have
* attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
* become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
* feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Ingrids as Parents
* help their children become who they really are
* support their children's creativity and originality
* are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
* are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
* are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed.

If you would like to take the quiz...

There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. - Carl Jung.

Ingrid seemed to have it going on....

It is what it is.

I haven’t told anyone about this blog.

I haven’t decided if this blog is what I need or want.

I lost my best friend yesterday. It’s surreal the feelings that are coursing through me since it happened. I go from wanting to sob, to feeling sick, to wanting to throw something, to freaking out. Moving, ansty, needing to explode and having no where to put it. The energy is like a ball of fire that I have no control over.

I can’t seem to grasp why people have to leave. I was friends with him before it was more, why can’t that come back. And yet I know it can’t. At least not for awhile, and it’s killing me. That plain and simple fact has always killed me. I have lost numerous people in my life because you just can’t translate them into the person you become as life goes on. I can’t call, talk, or email to the one person who was a constant in my life for over 4 years. The one person who taught me that by loving and respecting someone who wasn’t you could make you feel more fulfilled than every imaginable.

It’s funny but I still don’t know what people see in me most days. What makes them come back and continue being my friend. I could name quality upon quality of each of my friends and talk for hours about why they are wonderful. But for some reason I can’t turn that around on me, I don’t know why they stay. I have a fear of calling people on the phone, not being able to observe their faces, do they want to hear from me? Is it a pain that I’m calling? I was never actually 100% comfortable calling him all the time. It would depend on my mood and feelings.

I ended things because I couldn’t continue in the path things were going. I ended them because I truly believe that by forcing myself to go back to just me I can come to terms with the chaos that is my mind right now. In hopes that I can figure out what is my crazyness versus what is for real. But by doing that I had let go of someone who was an entity of me, an appendage. And I’m literally going through withdrawal of this appendage.

I believe in my path. I have chosen this course. But I’m terrified of not being strong enough to finish it and of starting over.

Fear of Hurting, Him or Me

I’ve been debating making a big life choice in the coming week and I’m very lost at is I actually want to go through with it or not. It involves me going from a long and wonderful experience to being alone and by myself. And though at times I feel like it is 100% the right thing to, all of a sudden something will happen that will knock me down and make me feel like how could I ever debate doing something like that.
As you all know, I recently moved to Chicago and when I first decided to take the job and do the move I did not expect to stay with my college bf. I thought we would part ways come the end of the year and I could go off and have experiences. I’m a big believer in if it’s fate, we will end up together. Corny I know but it does help me let things go sometimes.

So obviously we didn’t split and today we are still going strong, but I am afraid that somewhere along the line I have lost who I am as a single, self-supported girl. And I think that happened because I never have actually been a single, self-supported girl. I was going over things in my mind earlier and I’ve realized that we have been together for a little over 3.5 years. And yet a year and a half of that has been us being separated, whether it was because of summertime and us going home, or IQP’s and MQP’s (college things), and now this, for a third of our entire relationship we have been experiencing and living through distance. So what I’m wondering now is are we clinging on to this distance because we are so used to it, it’s a part of what we have together and who we are together, or are we holding on because we actually do want to hold on. When we talked at the end of the year about breaking up and came close to it I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Nothing was right, I couldn’t think, and I knew that that was not what I wanted.

When I think it now, I feel melancholy. I think yes I’m sad but it might be nice to not have to feel guilty, or sad, or angry because we haven’t talked or I don’t know what he’s thinking or wondering if he’s mad at me. Distance sucks! Period. But then again am I melancholy only because I’ve spent the last month since I’ve seen him? Will I change my mind when I get there? Should I even wait till I see him to say this or should he know that I’m thinking of ending it now? I don’t know the protocol, I don’t know what would hurt less. I don’t know anything and that scares the hell out of me.

Dating?!?!?! I’ve never done that. Meeting guys out??!?!? I’ve never done that. I went slightly wild the beginning of freshman year and then I started this. I feel like I won’t know how to act or react or date or play the games? If it’s even possible I can play games.

And then the great question is…. Am I stupidly throwing away an amazing relationship, the relationship because I have 6 months more of distance staring me in the face? Or is finding out who I am as me more important? And will that allow me to really know what I want at the end of this year…because I look ahead 6 months and there’s blankness, nothingness, I can’t even see a landscape.

I usually rejoice in not knowing what’s coming but right now I feel like its……there.
So there is the typical meanderings of a 22 yo, I know you’ve all probably heard it before and I don’t think there’s a good answer out there. No one thing works for the same person….but sometimes just putting it out there sends something back, so for now that’s what I’m doing, as well as avoiding him.

Unexpected Sunday

So I spent Sunday as a chore day, trying to get everything done that I had been slacking on or pushing off etc. Usually this is pretty hard because I’ve gone out the night before and I love to sleep until like 1 in the afternoon and by the time I get up and feel motivated enough it’s usually dark already these days and then all I want to do is curl up on the couch and read or watch tv.

So anyway I didn’t go at it hard on Sat night and thus was able to get up fairly early (11:30 is early for me, lol) and get myself to the gym as well as found some time to grab a chai at Panera and hang out and read! Perfect Sunday activity in my mind. Once I got home from all that, feeling very good about myself because I had put a good amount of time in at the gym I started cleaning and baking etc. I also tried to do some laundry because I was very behind, but my apartment building only has one set of washer drier (for six units) and it was being used when I went down the first time. So I left my stuff there and decided to sit down with a book and wait for a bit.

Now not too sound ridiculous, but I had started reading the seventh Harry Potter that morning because I am out of books currently and haven’t made it to my favorite used bookstore, I’m trying to stay away from new books, so I grabbed Harry and went on my way completely not expecting to be 100% sucked in! Oh yea, I read and read and read, completely forgetting about my laundry or my other chores. The tv was even on and I could not tell you what was showing! I know I should turn it off but I really really enjoy the background noise….

Once I was finally able to pull my mind back from the idea that Harry was chasing Lord Voldemort BY HIMSELF I ran down to the basement to throw my laundry in. Of course whoever was doing it before me had not removed their clothes so I was forced to do it for them. I HATE doing that, I feel sort of dirty doing it because I wouldn’t want people touching my clothes, but seriously people there are 4 other units trying to wash their clothes as well, please stay on top of your loads! So I took their stuff out and threw mine in and went about my way.

Then when I came down to switch it was snowing out! Yes everyone, the first snow of the year has hit me. And it was gorgeous! They were the tiny little perfectly white flakes that just seem to drift and swirl around you making you feel as if you are in a movie where the fairy is coming at you in a glow of white! And then we have this gorgeous tree over our back patio and it has dropped loads of bright orange, red, and yellow leaves all over our patio and steps so that they created this blanket of vibrant and intense fall colors. And finally we have a lights that aren’t harsh or fluorescent but give off slightly yellow glow.
There I was with this light flowing down around me lighting up the tiny little snowflakes and standing on a carpet of fall and it felt so peaceful. I didn’t think for a second that I was standing between two apartment buildings, with numerous people in them on the side of a busy street but I could have been back at my childhood home standing out on our porch with no one around. It was amazing and completely made my night!

And then I went back up and finished Harry, yes he defeated Voldemort, married Ginny, and all was right in the WIzarding world. Did I expect to find the first snowfall and finish a rather long book all in one day that morning when I woke up with my frigid nose in my 54 degree apartment? I certainly did not, but it was a wonderful surprise and leaves me feeling ready to conquer this week at work.

Hope everyone out there had as peaceful and calming day as I did.

Title of This Blog

Water in any form has always had special meaning for me. Most of my greatest memories as a child occured while I was in a body of water with friends and family. Movement in water has always felt smooth and carefree, as if nothing can touch me. Even during my hardest practices or races I knew everything would be.

As I've said it doesn't matter in what form water comes to me in. As a lake and freshwater, ocean and salty, waterfalls, rain, or even drinking water. If I sit down and watch and allow that fluidity of water to soothe me everything falls away. I believe this is because no matter what happens to water it keeps moving and making it's way along its path. If it reaches a rock it figures out a way to move around that obstacle. It can wear things down and beat out it's own path or it can follow along in an already created one. It seems to have the lessons of life learned and is happy in it's position.

I guess what you can say is that I'm jealous of water, lol but in truth I think it just provides me with a model. I am forever changing and molding and I crave that change. In eighth grade I decided I didn't want to be in my school anymore and so I convinved my mom to help me apply to the local private school 5 minutes down the road. After 4 years I made a decision to continue to college, and though that is an expected decision these days, one still does need to choose a area of medium. Then after 4 years at college I made quite possibly the biggest decision in my life and I moved to Chicago.

Luckily I was able to convince a highschool friend to move out with me and a couple friends from college made the move as well, but it still feels sometimes like I am alone. Alone in a city that I have fallen in love with. One of the reasons I chose my college was because it was in a city, though granted not much of one, and anything was better than the small town in NH I was used to. Now here in Chicago I am learning that it is hard to be without your best friends and making your way with a very boring job. But beyond all of that I am very proud with myself in how I have become self sufficient and I feel right in this city. I walk around, traversing the streets that go from neighborhoody with trees lining the sidewalks to a busy bustling road. I can take a bus for 10 minutes and be back by water! A glorious thrilling incredible body of water. My walk to work goes right over a section of the Chicago river. Morning and night I feel a sense of calm wash over me as I cross the unique bridges that stud the city.

I am beginning this blog because I have recently started reading others that have begun when they have moved to a different city and I read their posts and can 100% relate with what they are saying. And all of a sudden I realized that instead of maybe continuously trying to make the bf understand what I feel or weighing my roomate down I can put it down here. I do realize that I am 4 months into this journey already, but the summer was such a whirlwind anyway that I don't think I actually realized what was happening in my life until about a month ago. And only now do I feel the need to lay it out somewhere. Maybe in the hopes that others might get consolation knowing they aren't the only ones out there experiencing this, maybe so that I can come back and reread these posts when I move to my next city! cause I do love traveling.

I don't promise to post every day, I don't promise to post every week. I find writing very theraputic when I want that type of release and I hate it when I force myself. So this will probably be a place where lots of posts go up at a time and then a hiatus is taken. Don't worry, I will for sure let you all know if I decide to stop or leave at any time. Until then, lets go!