I’ve been debating making a big life choice in the coming week and I’m very lost at is I actually want to go through with it or not. It involves me going from a long and wonderful experience to being alone and by myself. And though at times I feel like it is 100% the right thing to, all of a sudden something will happen that will knock me down and make me feel like how could I ever debate doing something like that.
As you all know, I recently moved to Chicago and when I first decided to take the job and do the move I did not expect to stay with my college bf. I thought we would part ways come the end of the year and I could go off and have experiences. I’m a big believer in if it’s fate, we will end up together. Corny I know but it does help me let things go sometimes.
So obviously we didn’t split and today we are still going strong, but I am afraid that somewhere along the line I have lost who I am as a single, self-supported girl. And I think that happened because I never have actually been a single, self-supported girl. I was going over things in my mind earlier and I’ve realized that we have been together for a little over 3.5 years. And yet a year and a half of that has been us being separated, whether it was because of summertime and us going home, or IQP’s and MQP’s (college things), and now this, for a third of our entire relationship we have been experiencing and living through distance. So what I’m wondering now is are we clinging on to this distance because we are so used to it, it’s a part of what we have together and who we are together, or are we holding on because we actually do want to hold on. When we talked at the end of the year about breaking up and came close to it I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Nothing was right, I couldn’t think, and I knew that that was not what I wanted.
When I think it now, I feel melancholy. I think yes I’m sad but it might be nice to not have to feel guilty, or sad, or angry because we haven’t talked or I don’t know what he’s thinking or wondering if he’s mad at me. Distance sucks! Period. But then again am I melancholy only because I’ve spent the last month since I’ve seen him? Will I change my mind when I get there? Should I even wait till I see him to say this or should he know that I’m thinking of ending it now? I don’t know the protocol, I don’t know what would hurt less. I don’t know anything and that scares the hell out of me.
Dating?!?!?! I’ve never done that. Meeting guys out??!?!? I’ve never done that. I went slightly wild the beginning of freshman year and then I started this. I feel like I won’t know how to act or react or date or play the games? If it’s even possible I can play games.
And then the great question is…. Am I stupidly throwing away an amazing relationship, the relationship because I have 6 months more of distance staring me in the face? Or is finding out who I am as me more important? And will that allow me to really know what I want at the end of this year…because I look ahead 6 months and there’s blankness, nothingness, I can’t even see a landscape.
I usually rejoice in not knowing what’s coming but right now I feel like its……there.
So there is the typical meanderings of a 22 yo, I know you’ve all probably heard it before and I don’t think there’s a good answer out there. No one thing works for the same person….but sometimes just putting it out there sends something back, so for now that’s what I’m doing, as well as avoiding him.
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