It is what it is.

I haven’t told anyone about this blog.

I haven’t decided if this blog is what I need or want.

I lost my best friend yesterday. It’s surreal the feelings that are coursing through me since it happened. I go from wanting to sob, to feeling sick, to wanting to throw something, to freaking out. Moving, ansty, needing to explode and having no where to put it. The energy is like a ball of fire that I have no control over.

I can’t seem to grasp why people have to leave. I was friends with him before it was more, why can’t that come back. And yet I know it can’t. At least not for awhile, and it’s killing me. That plain and simple fact has always killed me. I have lost numerous people in my life because you just can’t translate them into the person you become as life goes on. I can’t call, talk, or email to the one person who was a constant in my life for over 4 years. The one person who taught me that by loving and respecting someone who wasn’t you could make you feel more fulfilled than every imaginable.

It’s funny but I still don’t know what people see in me most days. What makes them come back and continue being my friend. I could name quality upon quality of each of my friends and talk for hours about why they are wonderful. But for some reason I can’t turn that around on me, I don’t know why they stay. I have a fear of calling people on the phone, not being able to observe their faces, do they want to hear from me? Is it a pain that I’m calling? I was never actually 100% comfortable calling him all the time. It would depend on my mood and feelings.

I ended things because I couldn’t continue in the path things were going. I ended them because I truly believe that by forcing myself to go back to just me I can come to terms with the chaos that is my mind right now. In hopes that I can figure out what is my crazyness versus what is for real. But by doing that I had let go of someone who was an entity of me, an appendage. And I’m literally going through withdrawal of this appendage.

I believe in my path. I have chosen this course. But I’m terrified of not being strong enough to finish it and of starting over.