Trying to say what?

I've always been very subconscious about my writing. And a lot of time I find it very hard to put down in actual words what I'm feeling. I think a huge part of this is because I change emotions like woah, so sometimes before I can even put down the current feeling I am rationalizing and changing it into something else. And yet I have always found myself doing diary/journal like things. They just usually end up being very disjointed and random as I jump from point to point and feeling to thought.

Recently I have found myself in a situation where I am trying very hard to get a point across to someone through words. While writing my thoughts down I keep going back to reread and see if I can maybe explain it more clearly, or add a thought here becuase that will provide the background for this. all in all, it comes off as very longwinded and scattered. At least in my eyes. And the frustrating thing is that these ideas are very important to me and it is very important to portray them to the recipient in the way I want them to be viewed. I mean there are SO many ways one can interpret a passage. That's why everyone likes different books.

Yet at the end no matter what, I'm not happy with the final result. If I were to go back read it for a 5th, 10th, 50th time I am sure that I would find somehting to change, omit, reword. And that essence, that literal thought that i'm trying to preserve on paper will still be elusive.

I'm hoping this blog will help me to become more comfortable with people reading my writing. And hopefully comments back will allow me to see exactly what people are taking from it, then I can compare it to what I was going for and see how far off base I am! I remember my college roomate used to think it was funny that I would reread an email before I sent it. It didn't matter who it was to (friend, boyfriend, professor, coach). I would always read it over though and usually fix something. It made me feel like I was checking to make sure that none of my wierdness was shining through or something.

Well here it is, my weirdness and all is standing up and not going to worry about who might see it. And to start now I will just post this without going back to the top and I will not view it in my blog, because yes I have found myself editing even after I post.